Friday, January 23, 2009

Whoopsie


An overly active blog in my case means two things:
1. that I have time to kill and absolutely no intention to return home.
2. that I can moan my little gothic black heart out.
3. that I strongly advice you AGAINST reading it for these two reasons.

This said, I need to refer to the fact this is not how I imagined my life will be at 31.
This also said, I honestly hope I'll manage to somehow put my finger on that which needs be done.
Not for any other reason, but because from my present point of view I can clearly see the fair green fields of banana-land and they are alarmingly close.

Hmm hmm, the little blue boy hummed to himself. Your toes don't look like toes anymore.
They look like something trapped inside the washing machine for too long.
You betcha, I admitted. And you really don't want to know what other parts of me look like.
I tried to sleep on the earth, but the drizzle did not let me.
The skies are perpetually gray these days.
Yes, the little blue boy said. The skies are wearing their winter clothes at this time of the year.
I'd go for transvestite, I replied. Something like the northern lights over Acropolis. Just for a change.
I'll tell them, he said. But it is hard. Perhaps you can dream about it if it will make you happy. Would you like that?
I am not sad. Not when I am alone.
Living with my mother makes me sad.
You also make her sad, he observed. You shout at each other all the time. Your faces turn ugly when you do that. It's like you are both drowning, only there is no water in the room.
Yes. It's a neat trick, isn't? I feigned ignorance. Mothers learn their daughters this trick when they are very very little. They in turn learn it from their own mothers.
My mother did not teach me this trick, the little blue boy said hesitantly. Is it something only girls learn?
Yes. It comes together with wombs and expectations.
I do not understand this, the little blue boy complained, but are you sure you like it?
Do you remember when someone gave you that purple hat with the the bumblebees inside? I asked. And you were stuck with it because the bumblebees wanted it for their home and you wanted it for a hat?
Yes, he nodded.
It is the same. I am stuck with this. Someone has to give way.
I gave up the hat, the boy reminded me. I will find another hat. That one had been the home of the bumblebees for so long that it would buzz even when empty.
Well, imagine what it would be like if the hat with the bumblebees was stuck on your head and you could not get it off, I suggested. It is something like this, only my mother wants the hat to remain there and I want to get it off.
Do you want me to find another hat for your mom? the little blue boy offered. I think I can find one, only it won't be purple. If she doesn't mind this, I can find one pretty hat for her. Blue and orange, with long ribbons. A princess had it once.
My mom is not a princess, I protested. Perhaps the princess will need it.
My mom told me that all girls are princesses, the little blue boy said. And my mom does not lie. Would you like the hat of the princess for your mom? Would that make her happy? Because that princess left one day and never came back for her pretty hat. It just sits there and there is dust on it. It's no trouble. I can get it for her. Would that make you stop doing the drowning trick?
I bit my lips to stop myself from crying. The little blue boy saw it.
Oh no, you're sad again, he piped miserably. Did I say something wrong? Do you want me to look for a hat for you too? Is that it? Perhaps there is a second one in the garden. I think I...
It is okay, I whispered. I'll keep the one with the bumblebees for now. One is enough.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Slipping...

There is a nagging feeling that something is struggling to get out.
Last night I was bitten by dragonflies in my sleep.
This day and yesterday I have been trying to oversaturate myself.
I am not doing bad. My eyes certainly hurt.
I need to shed blood again. One way or the other, it will happen.

Long gardens, filled with poisonous plants, filled with wonders.
Cloaked figures walking under ivy covered archs.
The silence interrupted only by screams ending in gurgles.
Nightshade leaning over the the writhing bodies of the poisoned neonates with the slightest smile on her purple lips.
Not a whisper. Not a word.
Tearing the cocoon. Watch.

Behold the wonders of daylight.
Sullen faces. Fingers counting money. The passing of a car. A starved dog.
Night descends.
Shut eyelids. Fingers on soft, living flesh. A shadow dives inside a mirror. The dog's reflection shows a human face.

You are my oasis in this desert. But your water transforms to sand inside my mouth.
You are my refuge. But your white palm hides needles and pieces of broken glass.
When guided by you, our path is marked by drops of red and copper.
When guided by me, it becomes a trail of tears.

It's a last song. A good-bye. No angel will appear to save us.
No god will bless this union. No priest will grant us absolution.
It is the last door remaining shut.

Let me be. I cannot take this any longer.
I have no more blood to mark the way. No more tears to water future hopes.
No flesh under my skin.
A ghost.

Traveling on the night winds I kiss your eyelids.
Traveling on the sound of your voice I mourn for the loss of my memories.
The mirror is empty.

Leave your window open for me tonight.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

All is violent, all is bright

The title is from a great God is an Astronaut album.
The mood is the following:
I am tired of existing in other people's heads and lives because of the thing I do for them, or give to them.
I want my existence to fulfill my own needs and desires from now on.
I want to leave a legacy of creation. Kindness alone is not enough. Wisdom and understanding don't fit the bill either. I want to be alive to fulfill my own being, but not through servitude to others anymore. I want to fulfill my own need to be served. I want to spoil myself, not by buying things to myself, but by quality time. Time from myself to myself only.
If I was to die tomorrow, what would be my legacy? The memory in other people's heads? Their kind words?
I do not want this. As I have said before, when my ashes will be traveling the planet, other people's opinions will not matter in the least. I crave creation. And I will turn the earth upside down if it needs must. I will enforce my will on reality if it needs must. Not enforce, but kick all obstacles aside, shove all those people out of the way. Out of my fucking way- you think I do not know who you are? You think I am not aware of the fact my weakness offers you flesh to secure your hooks on? Of your idiotic juvenile mind games? Well this is already changing- best to subtract your hooks or you'll be dragged and thrown with me into the volcano I am about to jump. Trust me, you can't take the heat. You don't have what it takes. If you did, you would be human beings, not poison ivy, crawling all over me. The tree you are riding is about to start walking before it turns into a pillar of light and fire. You have been forewarned- let go or you'll be singed.
I know this doesn't make much sense. It is okay. Just one last thing. I am not nice because I don't know any better. Being gentle is a conscious choice on my behalf- and one that can change at any given moment. Some people have already tasted that in an excruciatingly painful way. Don't add yourself to the list. Thank you.

PS I bought some gorgeous new books with the object of my latest desires- Gackt. I cannot resist but place a photo here- it is always soothing to look at something serene after the storm. If I was a vampire I would feed on beauty, only... and if anyone feels like saying the "gay" word I strongly advise them to insert a few fingers up their own anus, in order to get some idea of what they are missing. I can always tell them how via e-mail and I am sure they will grow to appreciate it.


Monday, January 12, 2009

ARRGGH!

Okay, that's about enough. The Japanese version of amazon from the new year onwards has a standard shipping cost of thirty something euro no matter if someone wants to buy a matchbox or an elephant- isn't that insane?!!!? it used to be about five euro per item!!! GRRRRR *fuming* What am I, a devotee of Gackt going to do? Hell! I need my drugs (magazines with Gackt).

Katherine, save me. I need to go to Japan- it will be cheaper. If you see any hedgehogs or collie dogs following me discretely, shoot the bastards.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The twilight of excuses.

Ever had one of those times you wished you were someone else?

I saw the movie Twilight. It really made me wish I was someone else. I won't refer to the movie. It was simply the emotional boost I needed to reach my present state of mind. Which is, I wish I had someone to protect me for once.

I don't need a daddy at my age. I am not looking for a daddy. But I am tired of always being the strong one in my relationships. Tired of being the one to give advice, understand, insist, retreat, encourage, look for hints, read the fucking cards. I wish I was normal.

No, lie. I wish I was brain dead .

I wish I could find comfort in my female nature. I wish I had been accepted, protected and loved when I needed it most. I wish I had a normal family when I was small. I wish I had not been destroyed by the ones supposed to protect me and not turned into what I am- someone disgusted and terrified by human touch and appalled by intimacy.

I wish I had lived a normal life, that's all. It will pass.