Ever had one of those times you wished you were someone else?
I saw the movie Twilight. It really made me wish I was someone else. I won't refer to the movie. It was simply the emotional boost I needed to reach my present state of mind. Which is, I wish I had someone to protect me for once.
I don't need a daddy at my age. I am not looking for a daddy. But I am tired of always being the strong one in my relationships. Tired of being the one to give advice, understand, insist, retreat, encourage, look for hints, read the fucking cards. I wish I was normal.
No, lie. I wish I was brain dead .
I wish I could find comfort in my female nature. I wish I had been accepted, protected and loved when I needed it most. I wish I had a normal family when I was small. I wish I had not been destroyed by the ones supposed to protect me and not turned into what I am- someone disgusted and terrified by human touch and appalled by intimacy.
I wish I had lived a normal life, that's all. It will pass.
2 comments:
I don't know if I can make you feel supported or if I can even make you feel better, but im listening...even from a distance.
Lots of love. Miss you.
Hello, my love!!
And you know that my "love pattern" is not the bay, love, sweetie and so many so-called-fucking-romantic-shits. Ive been reading your blog, been updating what you wrote in the last days 've been out of internet till here, the first "unknown entry" for me.
I ca feel the way you feel, about those shitty respnsabilities in the realtionships... In evry single relationship of my own, I am the strong arm of it, the adviser, the care pillar of that... Maybe right now, if one of those hatefull dickheads inside their space-sip-look-a-like-car with its blueish lights came to me and invited me for a rid in the car, for a wonderful sex session with hateful kisses, I would join in...
Just like you say, I wish I had lived a normal life, not being destroyed by those who were supposed to protect me... I wish I was dead, most of days, but as I work on a caffé, I make up my face with a smlie, to hide the scars of my outsider life...
I observe people lately and I feel affraid of being touched... I feel disgusted by couples, even those sweet gay couple I see everyday... I need strong emotion,s I need to leave my own legancy behind... But no advises will help. Like you said me once, I need to live my own experiences... ou can only try to teach me a lil way not to hurt myself that much, but the experience, it needs to be lived by me!
Your lettwer will follow soon.
Bruno
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