Monday, January 19, 2015

Depressed





Today I am awfully depressed.

I read somewhere that depression is pretty much like the weather. Some believe that if you just ignore it and shrug it off, it will pass. It is not so. When depression hits, it hits me hard. I am not sure why I feel that way, but I do. Just like I am not sure why some days it is raining buckets, but it is, when I am depressed I can't shrug it off or ignore it. It won't go away. It will take its time, will do a full circle and then it will pass.

One of the reasons I am depressed is the fact I have very few friends, and unless I call them first, they very rarely do. I am not sure why they don't. Maybe they don't want to pressure me or they have their own stuff to deal with. In fact I do know they have their own stuff to deal with. But a phone call would be more than welcome. I know that since I am feeling depressed I should call them, but you know what, I am tired of always picking up the phone first. Sometimes I want to see how long it will be before they call me, how many days it will be before they realise I have not called them. Sometimes even if I do call them they won't call me back. Does it matter? No. The whole thing will just make me even more depressed. It's a lose-lose situation either way. I hate feeling dependable on others and yet I can't live alone. That's how humans were made and hardwired: to depend on others. To have a family and friends. I loathe my family, or simply put up with them with amused annoyance, and on days like this I feel like I always give to my friends more than I receive. And I am not sure if something can be done about it and what that is. I probably need to meet more and different people, or just accept my situation. 

I should go out and take a long walk just like I do when I am feeling so low. I resemble a bird with a chain around its leg. No matter how far I go, I am forced to always return to my nest, to home sweet hell. 

I am not sure what can be done about me in general. Time passes and I feel like options close instead of opening in spite of all my efforts and everything I do. I know I am depressed and see everything distorted right now and I should not worry about it too much. I should ride the wave and let it pass. Because it will pass. No matter what happens, I will press on.

I just wish I didn't feel like that it was pointless. I wish I did not feel so empty inside. That's all.