- The speakers of my home PC have started making gurgling sounds instead of playing music. I think I need to replace them. Also, the graphics card supports Hulk for president. Perhaps Hulk kissed it. Every time I try to enlarge a picture to full screen, the screen blacks out and the computer shuts down. When it comes back to its senses everything is tinted green.
- My mouth is full of tiny wounds for the past three or four days. Every time I eat something sweet or salty, it hurts. Which means it hurts from dusk to dawn and vice versa.
- My mother's best friend will be kicked out of her house in two weeks because she cannot pay the rent. She can't pay because she can't find a job. My mother has sold most of her jewellery to cover our daily expenses. Things don't look good at all although we don't pay rent for our house, but we do pay rent for our job.
- The floor of my room has absorbed moisture and the door was pushed off the hinges. When I want to close the door, I place it ON the door frame and place something heavy behind. None of the balcony doors are opening or closing because they need to be repaired. They are stuck. I have no boiler for hot water for the past two years. I wash by warming water in pots. I can't flush the toilet, most of the wall sockets are not working and there is mildew in the cupboards. We have no money to fix any of those things.
- I am 82 kilos. I have never before in my life been 82 two kilos. I feel like the child of an elephant married to a whale waiting to happen. I can't get in most of my clothes and it's impossible to exercise when I go home around 23.30 at night, every night. And that without referring to the fact most of my body hurts due to lack of exercise and working endless hours.
- I have not paid the electrical bills for many months now. I can't. I have no money to pay them. If they discontinue the electricity I won't be surprised. I won't be happy either. My mother has not paid for her taxes or social security in three or four years now. We can't afford it. I have no social security at the 'young' age of thirty five.
There is more, but I don't want this entry to turn into a litany of misfortune.
What you don't understand is that the only thing that saves us from madness and despair is humour and human affection. And what you cannot understand is that time flies, and every time you deprive yourself of those two things is a chance lost. There will be more later on, you say or think, but it's not true. The river of time moves inexorably forward, and for almost everyone is linear. Which means, if there is someone, anyone at all you have a good time with, seek them out. Seek them out because the river later on may fork, and each of you may follow a different path. And then you'll never see them again. Due to life, or death, you will never see those people again. And you won't be able to turn time back and see them, make up for all the chances that you had and never used.
Think of time as a conveyor belt that rolls and rolls in front of you, and you can eat all that comes your way. One day may be full of shit, another day it may carry treats, yet another day may be a mixture. Most of the time it's full of shit. Some sweets are a one-time offer, other for a limited period, others always. But you don't know which is which. So when you catch a glimpse of a sweet, go for it. Most of us think that the belt will keep running forever. It won't and the number of treats is not infinite. Neither are your days. Eat what you can when you can. Squeeze joy and sweetness out of life at any chance. No-one knows when the belt will stop. No-one knows if the chance you now have will be appear again.
Live. Don't breathe out of habit. My life sucks and I honestly try to make the best of it every day. My house is falling apart, soon I'll have no job and still I try to read books and see my friends and make things with my hands and write, because even if I get suicidally depressed NOTHING will improve. I'll just feel like shit on top of everything else. And falling into depression will make me give up.
Live. Live because it's all fleeting, fragile and important. Live and try to see the humour even when nothing is funny. Try to laugh even when you want to knock your head against the wall to stop thinking, and gouge your eyes out to stop seeing, and stuff your ears with instant glue to hear no more. I know how it feels. I am there EVERY fucking day. I know. But try to see the humour and it will keep your head out of the water and hold you afloat for a while longer.
If only I could make you see this.
If only I could see it myself.
Oh well. Our destiny lies in the stars, and I know just the way to go there.